I can’t believe it! I only left you alone for less than two years and have come back to England to find the place in a right mess. I told you not to open the door to strangers and you go and let Cameron and Osborne in who drink the dregs left in the whisky bottles then go and put the libraries and woodlands on eBay. They’re family heirlooms that are supposed to be passed on to our children and our children’s children.
Then I find that nearly all the bookshops I used to visit have been turned into clothes shops and the pubs I once frequented are now Tesco Expresses. And that piece of Cheddar at the back of the fridge!? Someone should have thrown that out a year ago. It’s covered in blue mould and is a definite health hazard.
While I’m here I’ve got another couple of questions to ask. Just how much frothy overpriced coffee can you people drink? And do you really think prodding and jabbing your iPad all day long is a substitute for living?
Realistically son. It'll only get worse.
Now I’ve got that off my chest, back to the football. Oh, and another thing! When did Jamie Oliver become omnipresent? I suspect that by the time I next visit this small, wet island he’ll be firmly installed in Number 10, whipping up a dish for fellow cabinet ministers Jeremy Clarkson, Nigella Lawson and Alan Sugar.
Since I’m here, I’m missing the start of the Clausura season in Argentina. So I took the opportunity to get a claret and blue top-up at Upton Park. The visit of fellow relegation contenders, Birmingham City, did not bode well. When hundreds of goals were scored in the Premiership on the Saturday, it seemed kind of inevitable that this fixture would, at best, be settled by a single scrappy goal. And so it came to pass.
Of course I’m biased and I don’t deny that I’m treading enough sour grapes to produce a barrel of vinegar. But Chris Foy’s refereeing would have been considered a disgrace in the Argentine third division. There will always be disputed penalty shouts and free-kicks given incorrectly but from my very good vantage point in the £46 seats I thought nine out ten of his decisions – both for and against West Ham – were wrong.
Argentines have a repuation in Latin America of whining and whinging, from the moment they touch down in a foreign land, about how crap things are and how much better everything is back home. So out of respect for my adopted homeland I’m going to continue in that vein.
West Ham at least tried to play football. Admitedly, they failed. The most poignant moment came in the second half when substitutes Demba Ba and Carlton Cole collided with one another. And Robbie Keane, continuing what has become standard at West Ham in recent years, got injured on his debut and will be out for several crucial weeks.
Big Time. Crap football!
But that’s football. Your team tries and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. The Birmingham manager, Alex McLeish, however, should be hauled up in court for crimes against football.
Packing the defence then blasting the ball up in the direction of the extremely tall forward is not what I paid £46 a seat for. It was a little cruel of the West Ham fans to chant at Nikola Zigic: “Does the circus know you’re here?”
OK, the Birmingham tactics proved effective and got The Blues three much needed points. But life is too short, surely, to sit through 90 minutes of dross like this. Especially when you’ve got the likes of Arsenal and Barcelona showing the way by playing the kind of football they’re playing. We can’t all be Arsenal and Barcelona, obviously, but we could at least try.
As we left the West Ham shop laden with claret and blue goodies we bumped into co-owner David Sullivan, being escorted to his Rolls Royce by two club bouncers. Funny little man in a funny old world.
I wouldn’t buy a used car from him yet the future of the multi-billion pound Olympic stadium is being left in his sweaty palms.
Argentinos Juniors have no hope of ever moving into an Olympic stadium but the spirit of decent football is at least alive and well in their ramshackle excuse for a ground. Their first fixture of the new season was away at Huracan where they went one down after two minutes, dominated the rest of the game but could only muster the one goal from Nicolas Blandi on the hour. Those who were there say they continued to fulfil the promise they showed towards the end of last season.
I’m off down to my local coffee shop now for a cup of froth with brown sprinkly stuff on it, via the bank machine, of course.